You must hit 88!!

Some day I'd like to go back in time and fix something. I'd like to eliminate the term global warming and replace it with climate change. It isn't because I don't believe in the whole theory it's simply because people are so fucking dumb they don't know what it means. I swear to Jesus himself that people think we are in a fucking ice age and that isn't what's happening. Whenever I read the news online during the fall or early winter and it happens to be snowing out swarms of idiotic mother fuckers come out of who knows where and say: "Where's your global warming at now?? HUH? LOL ROFLCOPTER!" Fuck you cuntface. That's right I called you a cuntface, the sticky yucky place no one ever wants to think of, or even say for that matter.

No, it isn't snowing. Yes, I wish it were Santa Claus day.

Today's Smarmy Society

You look like this in my mind every time you say iPhone instead of phone or telly.

Some of my followers are probably wondering why I've waited this long to talk about one of my most hated enemies - Apple products. Now I'm sure they are fun overpriced gadgets to play with or whatever that's not the entire point I'm trying to make with this shit, its the mentality. Every fucking body I know that has one has to point out that they are using their iPhone or iPad or iPod instead of their phone, mp3 player, or computer/tablet. It's like they get one of those fucking gold stars you used to get from elementary teachers in grade school when you did well on a test, every time they coin the iWhatever. Maybe it is policy when you buy an iProduct that you have to say it. Do you get a kick back?



I find it funny that if you own an old model of an iProduct then you are immediately labeled as lame because that is 'so old' but if the same person saw a guy with a Walkman and was playing tapes he'd be so retro and cool. Fuck you. The dude/dudette probably is strapped for cash got it on a deal and its all they can afford but fuck him/her anyway cuz they prolly overuse the word iPod anyway. The dude with the walkman is prolly just like my brother who has close to 300 pounds of 8 tracks in his garage. Hoarder. While we did get drunk and listen to KISS on 8 track while hanging up a Christmas tree on Xmas eve, 8 tracks shouldn't exist. (If you read that fast and it looks like: while we did get drunk and kissed - reread it mother fucker)

The iPod - The first to bust on the scene. Ugly. That was simple. You say that's a stupid as fuck argument but do you buy ugly cars? Clothes? Do you like to look ugly? Nope. This thing doesn't have a choice it is ugly and I don't buy ugly(most of the time), damn it.

The iPad - The only reason why this thing 'made it' was marketing. Tablet computers have been around for quite a while before this POS but I suppose when you limit the capabilities and make giant icons and put a little i in front of the name POOF its popular. Fuck off with that shit. Again, you get people that say 'Ya sitting in my chair using my iPad to browse the web.' I don't fucking care.  I'm going to drive my Dakota to the store while wearing my Smith & Wesson sunglasses to get some Safeway milk. (I actually had to get off my recliner to look and see what brand ye ol sunglasses were. I flipped over my recliner while typing this to see what brand it was and I couldn't find a brand so I'll just call it the Mor Furniture recliner because that's where I got it.)

The big fucking kahuna, the creme da la creme - The iPhone or more importantly the iPhoner. I've been at social events where everyone in the room is typing away on these fucking things. Why are we all here? Can't I just be at home instead of everyone bragging about the latest iPhone they have? Mother fuckers rush out and get the newest one because it is new. Why? Oh yeah for fucking status!! Choo choooooo - here comes the I don't give a fuck train! Some people also bitch about being broke all the time, yet they have the latest and greatest phone, stupid. People go out to eat and immediately plug into Facebook where they are, then check their email, play a dumb game. Nigga please! You are going out to eat with friends or family - disconnect and have a fucking conversation. No one gives a shit that you are eating at Pete's Taco Palace. I use this thing a lot for work. No you don't. You play Angry Birds or use Facebook on your iPhone because those options are blocked on your computer.The biggest and most retardedest feature has got to be 'auto correct'. People bitch about that shit everyday and its fucking dumb because you can turn it off. Turn it off please. Spare me from reading OH WHOOPS AUTO CORRECT STRIKES AGAIN! I'm sorry I didn't mean pussy I meant peaches.

Before my shit gets jumped (again) I will like to point out that iThink the smartphone is fantasmic for the uber busy, multitasking working person. That being said if you work at Burger King, you don't fucking need one for work.

AROOOOOOOOOO!

I'd like to say that I'm feeling tipsy from ye ol Silver Bullets and it's nice. Drinks and PS3 I'ma kill me some motha fuckin bad guys.

Over 1000 views in 17 days? Really?

The tall one is the Costco fiasco.

Would you just look at that graph, looks like an equalizer n shit. 17 days and over 1000 views. I think that is a lot but I'm not sure. Well fuck it, its a lot to me.

I'm a stats junkie. I love to look at the numbers, I could look at them all day. Actually most days I just keep the stats page up and refresh it all day just to see another number or better yet another country pop up.

Funnest stat category EVER!

Would you look at that map! This is one of my favoritest ever stats to look at. Who in their right mind would look at my shit from Russia or Germany or any of these great countries?!? I encourage you to leave comments pleease - that's my second favorite next to stats. I don't mind if they are in a language I can't read, I actually encourage that even more! I wanna say I got comments from Russia, IN RUSSIAN!! I know where Google translate is - even if you call me a giant monkey penis, its okay, I'll still show off my comment, maybe make a t-shirt!

Dumb fucker can't remember his own blog name.

They track referring sites and search words too! Look at those dumb fuckers on the bottom who can't spell HAHAHA! Half of those were me. I know right? When I first made this cool hang out I had too look up how to spell the word 'strictly' (fuck you). Its a tricky son of a bitch. Then it seems I couldn't even spell the super fun key words, oh well it makes for fun stats.

You can't really read the referring stites because I'm using Paint at 6am in the fucking morning on a Saturday. I'm not going to get super creative with 3d fuckin words and shit in Photoshop. I'll make a promise. When I hit 10 thousand views you'll get the fuck out of some 3d words.

I'm not sure how you go from  www.cronixsoul.com to here but I'm fucking glad you did. In fact I'm going to tell people to visit your site because I looked at it and it's pretty neat. www.cronixsoul.com

11 people from reddit.com came here. Nice nice I'm pretty sure it was because I spammed it on there for a couple days and then I forgot about it. It should be 99 people from reddit came here. There are even some comments from there. You guessed it, I left them.

Excitebike ramps mutha fucka!!

Look at that! It looks like ramps from Excitebike! I may have to play that later. Check out those comments too, 39 HOLLA AT YOUR BOY! I love comments. I suppose I like them because I know that someone actually read what I hate to write. (Sorry for the waste of time, but I hope you laughed).

I see some clouds forming outside that look like a hurricane so I'm going to post this before I get canned.

This is Friday.

Today's dumb fuck award goes to...

The two American dip shits who just got out of Iranian prison!

That's right, I said it. These dumb mother fuckers are damn near getting a parade for being fucking morons! "Hey dudes let's go wonder off into a some crazy country like real dumb fuck tourists!" These dudes should be lucky to alive. Lucky their heads weren't chopped off and set on stakes, rotisseried, stuck back on their bodies and then used in the next Iranian zombie flick. I mean really, you wondered into their country without permission.

People are gunna say ''Oh blah da dah, Mexicans come to our country all the time and get licenses and free lunch.'' No shit. USA-ians are fucking pussies. This is IRAN. Middle East type shit, crazy Muslim mutha fuckas, alililililiiill-ah-ya-ya-KABOOM type shit going on.

I think you guys should retire from hiking because you fucking suck at it.

YABBA DABBA DOO and get the fuck out my way.

Once a month my family goes to Costco to stock up on important things like diapers and chocolate sauce. Everyone knows that it is a wonderful store for items you need 1000 of. Let's cut straight to the point here. What the fuck with the samples? Sure they are really nice old ladies that probably couldn't make it on their own buy why put them on the most popular isles?

Every time we need to go down the fucking rice isle I have to navigate my Winnabago of a cart through a mess of clueless people. I say put the samples by the windshield wipers (not next month though, I need at least one wiper for my truck. Ya I said one we are poor, fuck you). Or better yet line these old ladies up next to the dog food. That's an empty isle. It'll be great marketing for your Kirkland food. (By the way, vets and kennels recommend that shit).

I don't hate these ladies, they do their job with smiley faces and they have to deal with all sorts of different people. Kids. Holy fuck the kids line up at the samples like they don't eat at their own home. Shit, now that I think of it maybe Costco is really an orphanage too. If you think of it what kid waits and waits and whines to get some super non-fat-super-light-non-real-cheese spread to be put on a herb cracker? I think that's definitely it. Orphanage.

What about the asians? Oh yeah, they are always fucking rude. YOU GIVE ME FREE!! GIVE WHOLE TRAY!! Ya fuck you asshole. I need to get through.

Then there are the yuppies. Holy shit the yuppies. I don't like the yuppie attitude, they have this bullshit hollier than thou attitude and they buy shit they don't need. Check out their carts next time you are there, they buy shit just because it is expensive not because it works well, it'll blow your mind. Oh, and they buy shit that says fat free or extra herbs or has cursive writing in the packaging. Nigga please all my products have black bold lettering, you know that shit's cheap and I bet it is the same shit in a different box. Anyway, these assholes will stand there with their carts blocking the god damned fish isle 30 yards away because they are the double fucker. I can't get down the rice isle and if I could afford fish in bulk, I wouldn't be able to get it either because your cart filled with fancy treats is blocking that too. They try to engage in serious as fuck conversation with the old ladies that are serving them too (with a napkin of course, even if it is vitamin water, which I despise - look for a later rant on that colored sugar water) all the while the lady is just reading them the packaging and the yuppie is nodding and having a concerned look on their face trying to make sure the sample lady isn't bullshitting them. Fuck you yuppie get out the goddamn way.

Then there are the old people who not only are old as fuck and slow but they ALWAYS have a conversation with the old ladies. I don't give a fuck about politics right now, why do I mention politics you ask? Because this old fucker is talking to this other old broad about politics and won't get the fuck out of my way.

Last time we were there some mother fucker was going on n on about some crackery snack and as he bit into it his eyes lit up like he saw Santa Claus and he yelled IT'S GOT PEANUT BUTTER IN IT! Well that's fucking fascinating I read the box as I was waiting in line to get through the isle dickhead. It was called a peanut butter crunch cracker. Oh you missed it while you were drooling on the tray fuck face. That little outbreak happened near the end of our journey and of course I had to mock him out loud, HEY BECKY THAT SHIT HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT OMFG PEANUT BUTTER! I looked back at him, he looked at me confused then continued to smash more crackery funness into his fat face. Eat shit asshole and GTFO of my way.

These mother fuckers need to open a bag of trail mix on the way in the door and graze on that shit throughout their day trip at Costco. Even before we get there I complain to my wife about how fucked up this shit is going to be and low and behold it's a shitmess.

I only touched on a few points of the Costco samplers and I'd love to babble more on these rude bastards but I gotta make some food.

P.S. I know you read this thinking my writing sucks, you are right. I'm not trying to win any awards. I'm typing this in my underwear for fucks sakes.

Just Win Baby.

No fly zone, like fucking North Korea and shit.

Hey yellow jackets - make like a tree and GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

I open the door so that my annoying fucking cats can come in and out at their leisure. This totally isn't an opportunity for you to waltz on in like you own the joint. I mean really you have the whole goddamn world to fly around and you choose to come inside my dwelling and then crawl around on the partially opened screen. Can't you do that from the other side? Instead you climb around and give me paranoia thinking that one of your miserable bastards is going to sting or bite or whatever the shit you do, to my daughter. I don't like this. 

Yes both my cats are asleep and I COULD go close the door they would only hear and pounce up and meow like crazy fucks at the door until I got up or throw something at them. I really don't want to hurt my cats I do like them. They keep my feet warm in the winter time.

Where the fuck are you coming from anyway? It's Washington and it is 'Summertime'. Thought you bastards only liked the heat? Go away. Go the fuck away.

BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just punched one of you and I mean straight up punch, not a slap or smack but full fledged punch with my mother fucking fist! Tell your buddies not to come in here or they'll get the jacket punched off their yellow asses.

I do what I want.

I LOVE RICE!

So early I forgot a title.

It is 4:45 and I hear a wailing ghost, or is it a dying goat? Oh, it is my 1 1/2 year old daughter.

Normally in this circumstance I would lay motionless and think happy thoughts while awaiting the wife to get up and deal with her. (We usually play this game until she -the wife- gets really pissed off and storms out of the room) Today I had to 'man up' and rise and fucking shine, she needs her sleep seeing how I am home all day, whatever.

I drag my dead corpse out of bed and of course my two spoiled rotten cats want food. MEOW MEOW MEOW mew mew mew MEOW MEOW. FINE, FUCK! I go into the room, grab their bowls, open the closet that keeps the cat food and attempt to fill the bowls but the mutha fuckin' bag is empty. Whatever. There is a giant bag of cat food right there, cool. It has to be the world's most annoying task to open a bag of cat food at ass early in the morning with your bare hands. I got the job done with pure rage.

Ghost is still wailing.

Next task, piss. Stupidly before I fell asleep last night I recall saying 'I kinda have to pee'. Well this morning I really fucking had too piss. I stood there half awake and half pissed off leaning against the wall. Luckily this was the best part of my morning.

Goat is still dying.

Next up, coffee. Yeah I gotta brew this bullshit before I can get the little tike up because otherwise it will never get done by watching Spongebob. Somehow in the coffee making process I spill coffee grounds all the fuck over. MOTHER FUCKER!

I get the wailer up and she isn't happy, screams at my face the whole time I change her diaper. I'm pretty lucky it wasn't a shit diaper or I'm sure I would have managed to get some on the ceiling.

That was my morning. It fucking sucked. Why is there toilet paper on my foot?

Anything to make her happy.

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~Zoey Bianca Barnes

Never give up, never surrender!!

We can't forget 9/11 because it has been crammed down everyone's throat for 2 fucking weeks!

Are you serious, Clark?

This shit is fucking ridiculous. That's all.

Cryptic Facebook Post

Yup, this one is to you Cryptic Facebook Poster.

"Ugh" This has to be my most hated Facebook post ever. It's just screams "Ask me! Ask me! Ask me about my day!" I really don't care about your day if you are having a shitty one, or spice it up with "I'm having a really shitty day, this n this n this n that has happened already and it is only noon." That is way funner. I always reply with something fun like "Unicorns Going Hostile".

"Sigh." That's another lame one. Obviously you are posting a sigh for 'attention getting' and some sort of sympathy.




"I can't wait." Can't wait for what? If we are talking about Santa Claus, you and me are on the same mother fucking page.

"Insert one word status here" I'm not talking about funny stuff either. Funny like DOGFARTS! I'm talking about key words like worried, expected, anxious, excited. Mother fucking elaborate on your shit. (Unless you hit enter too fast then whatev).

There are many many more but when I first started writing this Zoey was supposedly sleeping and the idea juices were flowing. I got one word down after I took a dump when I was interrupted by screams. I'm on my second stint of Sesame Street and not feeling it. SO, as my friends list declines just remember peeps, I'm just keepin' it real and E-FUCKING-LABORATE!

I'm not a bot

I fucking hate these things. I just setup this blog thing and I had to re-enter my info 7 times because I failed at filling out this bullshit. I only had gotten it correct because I noticed there was a handicapped sign next to the end. Seriously? I believe these things were made for bots, I don't entirely know what a bot is exactly but the jist is that its a non human thing that makes shit that isn't real...I dunno. Anyway, last time I noticed robots can read better than us so why the fuck are these even here. You are prolly thinking this guy is a dumb ass, it isn't because robots are awesome readers these things are merely here so a nonhuman has to enter a random selection of keystrokes. If that is the case, why in Zeus' butthole isn't it in handicapped font already?! I would have passed with an A+ had it been big. Maybe I just need to pay more attention to detail.

I would like to rant some more about this topic but I am missing my show on how Disney World was built.