YABBA DABBA DOO and get the fuck out my way.

Once a month my family goes to Costco to stock up on important things like diapers and chocolate sauce. Everyone knows that it is a wonderful store for items you need 1000 of. Let's cut straight to the point here. What the fuck with the samples? Sure they are really nice old ladies that probably couldn't make it on their own buy why put them on the most popular isles?

Every time we need to go down the fucking rice isle I have to navigate my Winnabago of a cart through a mess of clueless people. I say put the samples by the windshield wipers (not next month though, I need at least one wiper for my truck. Ya I said one we are poor, fuck you). Or better yet line these old ladies up next to the dog food. That's an empty isle. It'll be great marketing for your Kirkland food. (By the way, vets and kennels recommend that shit).

I don't hate these ladies, they do their job with smiley faces and they have to deal with all sorts of different people. Kids. Holy fuck the kids line up at the samples like they don't eat at their own home. Shit, now that I think of it maybe Costco is really an orphanage too. If you think of it what kid waits and waits and whines to get some super non-fat-super-light-non-real-cheese spread to be put on a herb cracker? I think that's definitely it. Orphanage.

What about the asians? Oh yeah, they are always fucking rude. YOU GIVE ME FREE!! GIVE WHOLE TRAY!! Ya fuck you asshole. I need to get through.

Then there are the yuppies. Holy shit the yuppies. I don't like the yuppie attitude, they have this bullshit hollier than thou attitude and they buy shit they don't need. Check out their carts next time you are there, they buy shit just because it is expensive not because it works well, it'll blow your mind. Oh, and they buy shit that says fat free or extra herbs or has cursive writing in the packaging. Nigga please all my products have black bold lettering, you know that shit's cheap and I bet it is the same shit in a different box. Anyway, these assholes will stand there with their carts blocking the god damned fish isle 30 yards away because they are the double fucker. I can't get down the rice isle and if I could afford fish in bulk, I wouldn't be able to get it either because your cart filled with fancy treats is blocking that too. They try to engage in serious as fuck conversation with the old ladies that are serving them too (with a napkin of course, even if it is vitamin water, which I despise - look for a later rant on that colored sugar water) all the while the lady is just reading them the packaging and the yuppie is nodding and having a concerned look on their face trying to make sure the sample lady isn't bullshitting them. Fuck you yuppie get out the goddamn way.

Then there are the old people who not only are old as fuck and slow but they ALWAYS have a conversation with the old ladies. I don't give a fuck about politics right now, why do I mention politics you ask? Because this old fucker is talking to this other old broad about politics and won't get the fuck out of my way.

Last time we were there some mother fucker was going on n on about some crackery snack and as he bit into it his eyes lit up like he saw Santa Claus and he yelled IT'S GOT PEANUT BUTTER IN IT! Well that's fucking fascinating I read the box as I was waiting in line to get through the isle dickhead. It was called a peanut butter crunch cracker. Oh you missed it while you were drooling on the tray fuck face. That little outbreak happened near the end of our journey and of course I had to mock him out loud, HEY BECKY THAT SHIT HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT OMFG PEANUT BUTTER! I looked back at him, he looked at me confused then continued to smash more crackery funness into his fat face. Eat shit asshole and GTFO of my way.

These mother fuckers need to open a bag of trail mix on the way in the door and graze on that shit throughout their day trip at Costco. Even before we get there I complain to my wife about how fucked up this shit is going to be and low and behold it's a shitmess.

I only touched on a few points of the Costco samplers and I'd love to babble more on these rude bastards but I gotta make some food.

P.S. I know you read this thinking my writing sucks, you are right. I'm not trying to win any awards. I'm typing this in my underwear for fucks sakes.